Woken in the dead of night by a little one’s croak, rasp, bark or wheeze? Found a bunch of worries and possible woes flashing before your eyes as you remember all the things you have to do the next day? We feel you!
Let us take you through the thought processes of a mum woken by their kiddo’s unwelcome cough in the long, dark, unrelenting night…
1. Is that a pre-vomit cough?!
“Oh god. I know what’s going to happen next. I am certain that raspy little bark predicts a torrent of pukey delight. Should I get a bucket? Wake her up? What do I do?! *listens* Was that another cough? Something else? Ugh. Please, no.”
2. Am I staying home tomorrow?!
“Oh my gosh. We’ll be quarantined tomorrow, but still paying for childcare as a reward for staying in. Great. I’ll be washing all the things/cuddling all the kiddos/smelling acrid as your local landfill. I hate tomorrow already. Was that a vomit sound? Please, no.”
3. Is everyone going to vomit?
“Yikes. I bet while we were all having a lovely time yesterday, bugs were swirling around the entire family and spewmageddon is about to rain down all around. Sob. What did I do to deserve this. *flips pillow* Please, no.”
4. Is it croup?! Crap!
“Maybe it’s not a tummy bug. Maybe it’s croup! Oh no! This is the worst. I don’t really know how to do croup. Do you put the shower on and steam the room? What did they do in that movie that time? Something with a wet towel and castor oil. I don’t know!! *Googles “croup, steam, shower, help me Jesus”. Please no.”
5. Is it asthma?!
“Oh flip. It’s probably asthma. Childhood asthma is epidemic and maybe tonight is the night it’s rearing its ugly head! I knew I shouldn’t have let the baby bury her face in the cat’s tummy. It must be allergy induced. I’m the worst mum. *listens for more coughing* *creeps into room in search of wheeze* Please no.”
6. Oh my god, is it blinking whooping cough?
“Yes we vaccinated but you never KNOW if your child is the anomaly in the herd. This is the worst. Whooping cough. Sob. Did I pay the ambulance subscription? Should I check my internet banking now and see? Where’s my phone? I can’t believe this is happening. It’s not happening. Calm down. Okay. Please. No.”
7. Was that actually the dog?
“*Listens* *Hears no coughing* Oh right. Maybe it wasn’t a cough at all? Maybe it was the dog. Oh thank goodness. *rolls over* *tosses* *turns* Sigh. I can’t sleep. Mustn’t forget to buy wipes tomorrow. I wonder what’s happening on Instagram.”